Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
