I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
