I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
