I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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