One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
