Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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