he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
