Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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