dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
