i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
