So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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