im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
