Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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