Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
