Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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