Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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