I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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