I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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