Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
