hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
