Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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