I accidentally had phone sex last night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
