Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
