EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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