it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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