That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
