dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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