So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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