I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
