You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
