I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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