I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
