Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
