I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
