Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
