I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
