I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Panties = found
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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