Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
