My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
