Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
