I didn't shave. On purpose
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
