i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
