I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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