Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
