this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
