I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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