My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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