It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
