I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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