I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Shame - the story of my life.
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