i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
